I went to the mall today to get some new clothes for work because, well, bad things happened to my clothes. (Malls are strictly for the under 25 crowd these days, point taken People In Charge of The Malls.) Anyway, for a while I’ve been thinking about these bras from Soma and who should I find right next to Ann Taylor but Soma! Yay! I walked in and was immediately met by Lorraine so I asked her to measure me. That was a mistake. Not really but yes. It’s been a while since I’ve been measured and Lorraine announces “32D!” to which I may have shrieked responded “No way! Get outta here!”. I think I startled Lorraine because she jumped back a little and said “Well, it could be the ruffles on your shirt getting in the way” but I knew it wasn’t so off to the dressing room I went with two gigantic boulder holders.

Lorraine was right. The bras were perfect, like slipping on a bazoomba glove. WHY??? I’m a 34B, NOT a 32D. How did this happen? 32D? Ok, I’ll take the 32 over the 34 but how did I go from a B to a D? This explains sooo much. Like why I’m always getting food all over my boobs. They’re so fucking huge that they can’t help but catch the food. Every shirt I own is stained.

First thing I did was call my sister who said “Me too”! And then I vaguely remembered last year or the year before my sister calling me and shrieking something about being a 32D and how did this happen?! Then I called my mother who bitched about her growing bra size. Huh. Why did nobody tell me that this is what happens when we get old? None of my girlfriends have said anything about it and we’re all about the same age. Maybe I’m the first one. Maybe I’m maturing faster. I did get my period and have sex before all the other girls.

Then I went home, sat down on Beast Master’s bed and lamented my Giant Hooters to him to which he said “I don’t see what you’re so upset about. They’re the same exact size that they were before you went to the mall.” Um. “All that happened was that somebody gave them a name.” Huh.

“But they were just a 34B last year!”

“So? Now they have more volume. They’re fuller and rounder, you didn’t even think about that you’re a 32 now.”

He’s so rational, that Beast Master, but I still don’t feel any better about it. I mean it’s not like I teased them all up and made them fluffy on purpose. I am never wearing ruffles again.

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